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只是想說，現在一無所有。
從頭再來，也是絕不可能。
躺在潮熱的大地上，潮溼的地氣侵襲着身體的每一個骨縫。
疼痛已經麻木了。大腦唯一可以思考的便是，圓圓去哪裡了？
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吳三桂的軍隊在已經發展到六省之內，實力之廣，讓朝廷大爲擔心。
朝廷調集重兵，精心謀劃，意在一舉殲滅三藩之亂。
又有傳言，吳三桂欲脫離朝廷，自立爲王，已派親信回到湖南，籌謀復明之事。
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夜裡，這獨自寂寞的夜晚，春夏之交的昆蟲極其的多，極其的活躍，嘈雜的像昔日的長安街。
我也多了個酒葫蘆，取了那把劍，當掉了，換幾個錢，酒和葫蘆就有了、、、
從來沒發現酒有這麼好喝，每一口下去，那是種折磨自己獲得的爽快，難以言明。
總之，腦袋一熱，什麼都過去了。
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這儼然是一座空城，夜晚全給了蟲子，除了幾聲狗吠，還能讓夜晚多了點激情，真的再難找出可以大喊的理由。
客棧的屋檐上，灰白色的瓦片層層疊疊，偶爾有塊碎掉了，中間還長出來幾株小草。
夜晚的風纔是最迷人的，刮過來，都把魂魄給颳走了。
這是個萬家燈火的時候，而現在卻只剩一顆孤零零的月亮，白的慘淡，透明的隱隱約約的月光表面，似有嫦娥玉兔的影子，卻更顯得淒寒。
從懷裡摸出白天搶到的那兩封信，仔細看了看署名，一切明瞭。
不錯，信正是寫給我的。
一封來自圓圓。
君親啓：
我不知道你去哪裡了，你不需要給我這種沉默的理由來讓我放開你。
自從當初的離開，一切都已經開始變質，就算我們都爲所謂的愛放下過什麼，但愛情開始與一些事情等價起來。
命運不屬於自己，我又拿什麼和你談愛？
可是你走的比我想象的突然，我本以爲我們可以到達我們的雲南。
這下看來，你陪不了我了。
你的扇子我帶走了，但願你能時刻想起你師父的話。
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我想我不屬於任何人，即便是在愛情裡。
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這盛傳的城南瘟疫，你不可不小心，客棧老闆趕人了，我也要走了。
你不會回來，假如你回來了，看到這封信，不要怪我。我從來沒怪過你。我只是因爲愛，縱容了太多，也失去了太多、、、
楊花落揚州，花開又花收；
江南明月夜，一日放扁舟；
望君安康，親掛念。
---------圓敬上
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“爲什麼會這樣？”
我纔打算認真愛你，你卻不而別。
也許在你看來，是我的錯，是我在逃避，是我先逃離。
可是、、、
扯了扯這團成亂麻的頭髮，悶了一口酒，長嘯一聲，夜空下久久迴響着淒厲的嚎叫、、、引動了十里長街的犬吠。偶爾飄過了幾句咒罵。我卻不在放在心上。
她走了，我突然覺得自己做的一切都沒有意義，生命然就缺少了快樂的源頭，儘管和她在一起並非都是快樂，可丟了她，我連生氣的慾望都會消失、、、
手已經提不起，不是因爲它殺的人多，重的拿不起來，而是我把自己給殺了，拿不起的劍，不會沾染任何血腥。
把信揉做一團，在掌心捻了又捻，又再次展開：
楊花落揚州，花開又花收；
江南明月夜，一日放扁舟；
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還有一封信，署名：獨孤門生！！！！
是他！？又是他！？
誰都有拒絕的權利，但誰都無法逃避選擇。
信是寫在一張極其小的紙片上：
家國事，天下事。
死生由命，爲各志。
仇生仇，怨結怨。
不爲生者多執筆，但祈死者長已矣。
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豁然開朗，大智若愚。
他的智慧足矣每天躺在青青的草裡，啃着秸稈，來回味這艱苦的人生、、、
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年少，經不起等待和挽留。
只是一轉眼的功夫，丟了幸福。
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“圓圓！！！！你到底去了哪裡？！！！！”
我對着月空大喊，除了幾聲狗叫在迴應着我，一片空蕩蕩的、、、聲音傳到了直到再也聽不見的遠處。
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果不其然，長沙城在大部分人撤走的時候，突然進駐了好多兵力。
又有大事要發生了、、、、、
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沒日沒夜的醉，只想讓自己停留在最初的世界。那時，春天就是春天，沒有任何一種感覺，可以干擾到你，沒有任何一種情緒提醒你自己。
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一壺酒，我從南大街，一週北上、、、、、、
傳說中的街北，瘟疫氾濫，已經死了好人、、、、
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北大街位於靠近城郊的位置，人口少，流動性小，。我過去的時候，軍隊已經把路都設了木樁，卡在城門口。來往者，一一檢查，逐一放行。
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這樣的地方怎麼可能起了瘟疫？
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